Denied JIO SIM, Neelima LIVE Streams Her Suicide

Photo Credit - M J Trimble

The Sacred Bovine Rights Welfare Organisation has demanded a full investigation into what looks like the first LIVE suicide on the recently launched Indian for-profit online digital media and networking service for Modi’s cows - MooBook (currently available only on MacBook Pro 2017).

A grief-stricken Mrs Paneer, mother of 3-year-old suicide victim, Neelima, has appealed to the government demanding to shut down MooBook. Wiping her inconsolable tears from her snout, she blabbered, “I can’t believe she is gone. Just this morning, she gave 4 litres of good milk. She had her whole life ahead of her. I know her husband was adulterous, but what did her innocent kids do to lose their mother as well!”

Things are not looking alright for MooBook, especially when the company had just finished receiving its first round of funding from Gaylock Partners for $100 million. Mark Bitterberg, co-founder of MooBook, is not happy with the flak the company has been made to receive, following the unfortunate incident.

“How can I,” Mark puffed, as he stabbed a juicy portion of the tenderloin steak in front of him with a fork that had an embossed ‘F’ letter on it, “control how each one uses the network? They are animals I tell you. Animals!” He chewed on the meat hard. When probed further, he revealed that he did have access to Neelima’s LIVE streaming, but had decided to do nothing about it, as he misconstrued her suicide protocol as a “50 Shades of Grey” sexual coup designed to enslave her bull. He had also unnecessarily confessed that the video had inspired him to create a porn version of MooBook, something which he temporarily has nicknamed - ‘TrapChat’.

RSS Spokesperson, Prakash Madhav, assured that BJP was already working closely with the Constitution Drafting Committee to bring about an identity system for the new citizens.

Gayatri Iyer, an activist who works in the areas of anti-cow trafficking, within 10 minutes of Neelima’s tragic video going viral, took to Twitter to address the boiling issue. “@narendramodi sir, what we need sir is a ‘Maadhar’ card. They deserve equal rights like you and me”. The Prime Minister, who is aggressively active on the microblogging platform for the progress of our nation, replied back instantly - “Noted @IAmGayatriIyer! Only one cow can feel another cow :P”

The opposition party Vice-President, Rahul Gandhi, summoned a press conference at his party headquarters to demand justice for the victim and her family. When he was asked the question, as to whether cows should be given an identity card, an ecstatic Rahul replied, “I have tried JIO 4G on my phone. It has good speeds. I even get full network in our guest bathroom in the basement, where I go to roll my joints. You b**tards killed her. She was so young and tasty.”

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